I never would have expected to be paralyzed a month later. I never would’ve expected that I would end up letting go of every single one those aspirations. I never would’ve expected to love to sing, and I never would’ve expected to love to write in a completely different way. I never would’ve thought that I’d have the friends I have. I never would’ve thought that I would be who I am today; though some of the same traits remain, I often feel like I am, in many ways, different than that girl who lived 5 years ago.
I held onto that speech therapist dream for so long. When I was around 8 years old or so, I thought about future aspirations, and I realized that speech pathology sounded very interesting. I was proud that I’d known what I wanted to be back when I was just a little kid and stuck with it until my senior year of high school. I thought I was certain.
The thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t right. I knew that it wasn’t truly my dream anymore; I changed too much. But I needed something to be constant in my life. I needed to hold onto something from the past me. I needed some reminder that I was still the person I was when I was 8 or 10 or 13.
When my band dream was crushed, and I let go of my theatre dream, and my marathoner dream was shattered…. Well, it felt like way too many pieces of me were missing. And I needed to hold onto one of the last pieces: the speech therapist dream.
So that stayed constant. That is, until college got closer and everything got more and more real, and I realized that that was not who I was anymore. Being a speech therapist no longer appealed to me in the way it used to.
I was too changed. I needed to do something different. What really interested me most was something more in the medical field; I felt like I could really put myself into that type of job.
That’s why I started thinking about audiology. But with audiology, I was still trying to hold onto that old piece. I held onto that for a a few months, because it was comfortable; it was still the same major as speech pathology, so if I wanted to, I could easily go back. Audiology sounded fairly interesting, but it was still similar to speech path, and it didn’t feel exactly right. I couldn’t truly see myself enjoying it as much as I could with something different.
So I let go. I forced myself to let go.
So I’ve decided that being a physician assistant is what best fits with who I am now. And after probably 10 years of “knowing” that I wanted to be a speech path, this sudden change is very scary. I feel like I don’t quite know who I am anymore; my future career felt like a big part of who I was since it was the same for so long, and now it’s suddenly different.
But we’re all trying to find ourselves right now, I think. At 18, it’s hard to know exactly who we are or what we want in life.
And that’s okay. Because we’re still young; we’re still being changed ever-so-slightly by those little experiences day after day after day.