** 01/18/2019: See edit at end of post. **
Life is weird that way. We often think about the future, but it’s vague; we have no way of knowing what will happen next. We have no clue what new obstacles life will decide to throw in our paths. It’s strange to think that you could be a completely different person in a year. I mean, during the next year, millions of things will happen. Some will be seemingly minuscule and change us in subtle ways. Others may be drastic. Right now, in the present, there’s no way of knowing. There’s no way of knowing whether your health will get better or worse, or if your anxiety will diminish, or if you’ll learn to be a bit more optimistic. There’s no way of knowing about new friends or significant others. There’s no way of knowing what these experiences will be, or how they’ll shape you.Five years ago, I was 13 years old and about to start 8th grade. I knew that I loved reading and writing and running, and I knew that when I thought about the future, it seemed pretty certain: I was going to run marathons and triathlons; I was going to be in band until college; I was going to do theatre through high school; I was going to grow up to be a speech therapist.
I never would have expected to be paralyzed a month later. I never would’ve expected that I would end up letting go of every single one those aspirations. I never would’ve expected to love to sing, and I never would’ve expected to love to write in a completely different way. I never would’ve thought that I’d have the friends I have. I never would’ve thought that I would be who I am today; though some of the same traits remain, I often feel like I am, in many ways, different than that girl who lived 5 years ago.
I held onto that speech therapist dream for so long. When I was around 8 years old or so, I thought about future aspirations, and I realized that speech pathology sounded very interesting. I was proud that I’d known what I wanted to be back when I was just a little kid and stuck with it until my senior year of high school. I thought I was certain.
The thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t right. I knew that it wasn’t truly my dream anymore; I changed too much. But I needed something to be constant in my life. I needed to hold onto something from the past me. I needed some reminder that I was still the person I was when I was 8 or 10 or 13.
When my band dream was crushed, and I let go of my theatre dream, and my marathoner dream was shattered…. Well, it felt like way too many pieces of me were missing. And I needed to hold onto one of the last pieces: the speech therapist dream.
So that stayed constant. That is, until college got closer and everything got more and more real, and I realized that that was not who I was anymore. Being a speech therapist no longer appealed to me in the way it used to.
I was too changed. I needed to do something different. What really interested me most was something more in the medical field; I felt like I could really put myself into that type of job.
That’s why I started thinking about audiology. But with audiology, I was still trying to hold onto that old piece. I held onto that for a a few months, because it was comfortable; it was still the same major as speech pathology, so if I wanted to, I could easily go back. Audiology sounded fairly interesting, but it was still similar to speech path, and it didn’t feel exactly right. I couldn’t truly see myself enjoying it as much as I could with something different.
So I let go. I forced myself to let go.
I stepped into a whole new world, finally accepting that I’d changed and finally accepting that it’s okay to lose pieces of yourself. Because, the thing is? Those pieces are quickly replaced with new ones. They may be a lot different, but they’re still good; just because you let go of some, doesn’t mean you have holes inside of you.As those experiences—both big and small—start adding up, everyone grows and matures greatly. It’s impossible to be the same person you were as a kid. As we grow and are influenced by so many experiences and other people, our personalities change (sometimes a little bit, sometimes drastically) and are molded into who we are now.
So I’ve decided that being a physician assistant is what best fits with who I am now. And after probably 10 years of “knowing” that I wanted to be a speech path, this sudden change is very scary. I feel like I don’t quite know who I am anymore; my future career felt like a big part of who I was since it was the same for so long, and now it’s suddenly different.
But we’re all trying to find ourselves right now, I think. At 18, it’s hard to know exactly who we are or what we want in life.
And that’s okay. Because we’re still young; we’re still being changed ever-so-slightly by those little experiences day after day after day.
** Edit 01/18/2019 **
I wrote this in 2016, not long after graduating high school, and at the time, I had tossed aside my lifelong Speech Pathologist dream and decided I wanted to be a PA, instead. However, in 2018 I ended up switching back to Speech Pathology after realizing it actually was still my dream, after all. So, if you know me and my current plans, this post is probably really confusing. But I think the overall point still stands. We are constantly changing every single day, and it is impossible to know what we want to do at this age, with such little life experience, without trying things out.
Sure, it would have been SO much easier if I’d just stuck with Speech Pathology all along instead of changing my major a couple times, but I think I needed to try out other ideas in order to be confident in my decision. If I’d stuck with it all along, there would always be the question of what if?, as in, “what if this isn’t right? What if I’m only doing this because it’s been my default answer my whole life?” But because I tried out the PA idea and even the English idea before coming back to Speech, I feel so much more that it’s the right option. I love science and the body, and I love words/language — I’ve figured out that that is why I want to be a speech pathologist. It’s basically a combination of the two, which I was originally having such a hard time choosing between. Since I’ve discovered real reasons for wanting it (whereas, before, I felt like I was just saying I wanted to do Speech because I’d always said that), I feel like I actually have a passion for it, and that is everything. I don’t know if I could have gotten there without exploring other options.
Point is, it’s okay to change your major. It’s okay to not know exactly what you want to do with your life when you’re this age. And as dumb as it feels, it’s okay to switch back to what you started with, because the journey in-between can make all the difference.