All, Chronic Illness, Disability, Friendship, Insecurities, My Favorites, Personal Experiences, Transverse Myelitis

Rolling Past Insecurities

170605_lisa_0018
Photo Credit: Danielle in Chicago for Flytographer

Update: This post was also featured on The Mighty! Check it out here.

​Before I got my current wheelchair, I had to rely on other people to push me around, since my arm weakness made it very difficult to push a manual chair on my own. So, naturally, I was very excited for it, because I knew how much comfort and independence it’d give me, seeing as the joystick attachment allowed me to operate it by myself all the time.

When I first sat in it and drove it around a bit, it immediately felt like MY chair, which was an amazing feeling.

But that excitement, that pride in my fancy mobility aid eventually faded, and when I got to college, it actually began to disgust me. I felt self-conscious and embarrassed every time I journeyed from my dorm to class or every time I moved with food on my lap in the dining hall, especially if I was alone (which was most of the time). You’d think that the stares, dumb comments, and condescending smiles would become less bothersome as time went on because you’d get used to it, but for me, it was the opposite. After a while, those things just got so old and infuriating and really, really got to me and, at some point, I couldn’t stand it; the able-bodied college students surrounding me made me feel like such an outcast. I felt more “different” than ever before in my life, and that made me feel so incredibly insecure about my disability. I quickly became obsessed with *really* walking again (as in, not just the short distances I can already do), and I was frustrated when those attempts failed. I thought I needed to walk “normally,” because it felt like that stupid chair was suffocating me more and more every second I spent sitting in it.

170605_lisa_0016.jpg
Photo Credit: Danielle in Chicago for Flytographer

But look at these pictures. I took these pictures with one of my best friends, Sarah Todd, who’s like a little sister to me and also happens to have my same condition: Transverse Myelitis. These pictures were captured during a photo-shoot in the city, and though I initially wanted for my chair to be absent from every picture, I’m glad that that didn’t end up being the case, because…. Looking at these pictures, I don’t see a dumb piece of junk that I’m chained to, a burden that doesn’t like to fit in people’s cars and draws the attention of every passerby. No, instead, it’s utilized in a nice way. It’s PART of the pictures, a part that actually made them better and even more adorable than I could ever have imagined.

Walking is overrated. Yes, people stare and are generally super annoying and ignorant. Yes, that chair can be horribly inconvenient at times. But it’s a part of me. Though I’d LOVE to recover more, I now realize that walking (…and running…) isn’t the end-all-be-all.

So thank you, ST, for suggesting these amazing, adorable poses. And thank you to our photographer, for not being scared to make sure that we utilized that chair. Thank you for incorporating it as a fun, important prop that belongs in the picture, rather than just simply an obstacle to be ignored and avoided. I needed that reminder.

 

(Photo Credit: Danielle in Chicago for Flytographer)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s